starting to hate my job

I'm stuck in a rut. And since I realized no one reads this anymore (since I am now averaging about one short, mediocre to boring post every month or so) I may as well just turn this into a public journal and write a bunch of crap in here. So here goes. I'm hoping that writing about all the stuff that sucks lately will help me pinpoint the problem and find some sort of solution. I'll try to do this in a semi-organized fashion. Perhaps numbering my thoughts will help...

1. Lately I've had a long list of stressful/painful things that I cant wait to be over. Like checking the crappy things off the list will minimize the level of crap I have to deal with. But this method puts way too much focus on the negative. For example, before last week, my list looked like this, and since the items dont really matter I'll use acronyms anyone reading this probably wont even understand anyway:
-ULTRA-S including: MSFD, TSSE, Shiphandler of the Year thing
-staying awake/ sleep deprivation
-DITS
-CICWO board
-car stuff
-IAC stuff
Now that last week is over, the first two items are crossed off (I finally got to catch up on sleep for the first time in about 3 weeks), but I still have all that other crap on the list, which is pretty much all work-related, because my job consumes my life. Well the car stuff isnt really work related, though I wouldnt have crashed my car at all if I hadnt been driving in to work at 6am on a sunday...
Anyway, it's like everything I think about is stressful work stuff that I have to deal with and worry about. Lately I havent really had anything to look forward to, or to enjoy. It's sort of an issue of living in the future instead of the present, but in a bad way... I have semi-fun plans for the next two weekends, but my looking forward to fun stuff is pretty much completely suffocated by all the bullshit which takes precedence.

2. I hate being the bad guy. I used to love work because I loved my division, and even though I didn't really always know what I was doing, the division was making strides in a positive direction, and I felt good about what I contributed to the division and to the department. It didnt matter whether I got my quals done or not (one of those things that is currently stressing me out), or how anything else at work was going, because my divo job is my first priority, and I used to feel good about that. Now I feel like the division's just getting worse, AND everyone is miserable, not just me. Yet instead of being able to make things better, I feel like I just make things worse by being the one person who is willing to yell at people and tell them to suck it up and do their job. It's more time consuming to always be on everyone's ass about getting stuff done, more stressful, and overall just not a very happy or fun thing to do, but someone has to do it. Now that I've been around for almost a year I'm starting to get my bearings, and I can't just play dumb anymore when shit is jacked up. I don't know how to fix it though. I tried by wiping the slate clean with my chiefs and putting my trust in them again a few weeks ago, and that worked for about a week, but now I feel like they still arent communicating with me. Honestly I really think communication is the problem. Rumors abound, and I dont think my word is good with anyone which REALLY bothers me because I have never lied to anyone in my division, and never would. I always thought my trustworthiness was one of my best features and lately it seems like no one trusts me either. Even though I try SO hard to trust everyone else, even after they let me down. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've turned into an unhappy, micromanaging yeller, which is not what I want to be.

3. I'm lonely. I miss having a personal life. Even when I do have time for a social life, it's with the same people I work with, since I really dont have much time to maintain friendships outside of work. I have the small group of college friends in Seattle who I hang out with occasionally but it feels like such an effort to keep up even just a few friendships! Since I only have time to be social like twice a month max. It is so nice to just be a normal human being and hang out with friends and go out and do normal people things, but it just makes work that much worse.

4. I don't really forsee myself beginning to like my job anytime soon. Even when I envision what it will be like in a different division (I am supposed to move to CA division and be the new ASWO- Anti-submarine Warfare Officer, though I don't really know when that's happening), and get all my quals done, and even going to another ship or to shore duty, I can't really picture being happy with any of that. Honestly I really have grown to like engineering and (most of) the people I work with, and I feel like moving me out of engineering is like forcing me to give up trying to overcome the issues we have in my division. Anyway, I know I'm only 22 and don't have to know what I want to do with my life, but it's pretty sad not even having some sort of job that sounds both fun and realistic to look forward to. I love the Navy in theory, and I love some of this stuff in reality (like driving a 9000 ton, billion dollar warship, and working with a family 0f 300 that actually do care about each other most of the time, and working with some interesting, cool people), but there is just so much bullshit that overrides the good stuff that it's hard to stay motivated. And I'm losing all my hope of making things better, since my division has only gotten worse since I've been here. It's depressing!

OK, I'm sorry for anyone who read this, because it was probably really boring and somewhat depressing. Don't let me get you down... I'll try to write another, happier post if I find some happiness sometime in the near future...

bye bye Deb

I need some decision-making help. So after working all day saturday, i was on my way to work at about 6am sunday morning in the rain of course (because it is Seattle) when I hydroplaned and smashed Deb into the guard rail. For those of you who dont know, deb is my Subaru Forester (she is named Deb because it was a fittingly lesbian-sounding name for a lesbian car). And she's dead. She looked fine, and I thankfully am 100% fine myself, but she had a slashed tire on top of some knicks and scrapes so i got her towed to the shop the insurance company wanted me to use. Then I go in there on Monday, right, and they tell me the estimate is $6800! Which is ridiculous, since that includes replacing every panel on the car that has even the most minor scratch which is totally unnecessary. But anyway, my only other option besides calling it totalled and taking the $5500 or so that the insurance company is going to give me is to pay the salvage cost and then fix it myself. Which I'm thinking will take more time and effort than i can afford and ultimately wont be worth it. So, it is goodbye to Deb. But now i have no idea what to do! My initial response is get a similar used car, but the more i think about it the more I sort of want to get a new car. Less hassle, warranty, I'll already have the insurance money to spend toward buying it, and.. well yeah. But i have NO IDEA what kind of car i want. here's where you come in. I know a lot of you have probably recently bought cars being recent college grads and all so perhaps I can hijack some of your research results. I just looked at some more subarus today and sort of liked the new outback, but i have no idea if I might like a different car better. I always thought my next car would be a hybrid but I dont think i want one now for various reasons. What are good cars? Help, friends. So far I have been thinking everything from toyota to acura to bmw (haha cant hurt to dream out of my price range, right?) to saab. Really I have no clue.