Wednesday, October 31, 2007
update - warning: this may bore you to tears
Well i've started the turnover to my new job. now, in addition to the average of 8 hours a day i spend on watch (4-6 hours at a time, for example, one day i'll have watch 23-03, then again 12-18, then 03-07) and all the regular meetings and briefs and stuff, I'm trying to learn my new job, get to know the new division, take my friend mark's (whose job i'm taking as ASWO... see an earlier post where i define that) disorganized paperwork and trying to organize them because apparently he cant, and so on. Oh and every day or two we have an ASW scenario where for anywhere from 6-12 hours at a time i go to combat and direct ships and aircraft to prosecute submarines even though i have no idea what i'm doing and it's a total shitshow, and i never really learned how to do this so i dont really know how to do it better until i learn the right way. This may sound like fun to some of you who like the glamour of the military, and yes, fighting submarines is kind of cool, but trust me: it is not fun. Maybe it would be if I ever had any idea what was going on, if I got more than 3 hours of sleep at any given time, and if I had hope for progress... but right now i'm a giant pessimist. Anyway, my new boss just told me that 45 minutes of sleep is as restful as 8 hours, so i'm going to go sleep for 45 minutes and probably end up proving him wrong. on a final note if anyone is actually reading this please dont worry about me, i just had to get my bitching out. I cant bitch and complain to my friends here because some of them have it even worse than i do, plus it's just annoying when people like me whine all day long.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
on parenting and morality
Last night i got into a pretty heated discussion with some of my friends about the responsibilities of parenting. It was one of those conversations where I felt like a big liberal, and smiled a little to think that all my friends from home, college, etc still think that I'm (relatively) conservative. Not that everyone in the military is much more politically conservative than I am, but I definitely still think the majority of them are, when I get looks of disgust for saying things like "I think two gay men can and should be allowed to raise a child together."
Anyway... though we did talk about gay parenting, most of the conversation was about the morality of divorce. We went through several hypothetical scenarios, but for this post I'll stick to one: if you have a child with someone, are you morally obliged to marry/ stay married to
that child's father/mother? We'll break this up to two sub-questions:
1. If you get knocked up (or knock up a girl), should you marry him/her?
I don't think you necessarily should. I really didnt think this was an interesting question until I realized yesterday that I have so many friends who think you should marry him/her just because you got pregnant. Obviously if you love the person and would otherwise get married, being pregnant certainly wouldn't stop you. But in a case where you wouldn't marry them if you didn't get pregnant, I don't think you should marry them just because you got pregnant. That's just asking for disaster and unhappy marriage. However, the popular answer yesterday was that yes, you should marry them, it is your moral obligation for the child's well being and development that you marry the child's father/mother-- the reason being that that way the kid is supposed to have a "normal" childhood and learn "proper" gender roles. My retort that the kid is more likely to have a screwed up childhood with unhappily married parents was overturned by my friends because, as they said, all unhappily married parents should either try to work it out and get along, or otherwise fake that they get along, for the child's benefit. Anyway, for the second subquestion:
2. Say the child's parents are already married when they have the child. Down the road, the parents become unhappy together. Are they morally obliged to stay together (either forever or at least till the kid leaves home) for the child's well being? In other words, is separation/divorce immoral?
I strongly believe that they are NOT obliged to stay together, nor should they. The opposition argued that it's selfish to get divorced, and if you have a child, you must invest more in the child's well being than your own. I agree that as a parent, your child is more important than yourself- and I think any good parent would agree. HOWEVER, I think that in the case where the kid's parents are unhappily married, it is in the child's best interest to get a divorce! This seems really obvious to me, but I learned that it's not obvious nor widely agreed upon by intelligent, educated young people. I think, especially from friends with divorced parents growing up, that it's better for a child to have happily divorced parents than to have unhappily married parents. Yes, it's difficult for kids to grow up having two families, spending the holidays with a different parent every year and so on, but I think it's A LOT more difficult for a kid to grow up in a home where the parents don't get along and don't love each other. Maybe they learn "normal" and "correct" gender roles, namely that a "normal" family has a mom and a dad living together, but they certainly don't learn the "right" things about love and happiness. I personally think it's a lot more important for a child to learn the value and importance of love and domestic happiness even if it means learning that from step-parents than for the child to be trapped in an unloving home but where the mother and father still live together.
We all agreed that you shouldn't marry someone or have a child with someone unless you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. But life isn't always that easy and straightforward. And it IS possible for good people to fall out of love. Sad to think, I know, but we see it happen. I certainly hope that I marry and have children with someone I love and continue to love for the rest of my life, but if I don't, I will consider separation/ divorce for myself but even more for the kid(s)! Because I think that's the right thing to do. Do I value happiness more than gender roles? I don't really think that's the question, but perhaps I do. I admit, I do think happiness and love are pretty damn important. Maybe this is because my family has a history of depression and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on happiness, but that aside, I really believe that everything ties into happiness-- success, fortune, good parenting, health.
And life's not fair-- maybe the kid growing up with divorced parents will have a tougher childhood than the kid with happily married parents, but I think he'll have a MUCH easier childhood than the kid with unhappily married parents. And in the end, having to deal with difficult issues during childhood isn't necessarily a bad thing, just like it isn't necessarily a bad thing as an adult. If life were always easy it would be boring. And there's a lot more to learn from tough times. Anyway, this is a topic for another day.
Anyway... though we did talk about gay parenting, most of the conversation was about the morality of divorce. We went through several hypothetical scenarios, but for this post I'll stick to one: if you have a child with someone, are you morally obliged to marry/ stay married to
that child's father/mother? We'll break this up to two sub-questions:
1. If you get knocked up (or knock up a girl), should you marry him/her?
I don't think you necessarily should. I really didnt think this was an interesting question until I realized yesterday that I have so many friends who think you should marry him/her just because you got pregnant. Obviously if you love the person and would otherwise get married, being pregnant certainly wouldn't stop you. But in a case where you wouldn't marry them if you didn't get pregnant, I don't think you should marry them just because you got pregnant. That's just asking for disaster and unhappy marriage. However, the popular answer yesterday was that yes, you should marry them, it is your moral obligation for the child's well being and development that you marry the child's father/mother-- the reason being that that way the kid is supposed to have a "normal" childhood and learn "proper" gender roles. My retort that the kid is more likely to have a screwed up childhood with unhappily married parents was overturned by my friends because, as they said, all unhappily married parents should either try to work it out and get along, or otherwise fake that they get along, for the child's benefit. Anyway, for the second subquestion:
2. Say the child's parents are already married when they have the child. Down the road, the parents become unhappy together. Are they morally obliged to stay together (either forever or at least till the kid leaves home) for the child's well being? In other words, is separation/divorce immoral?
I strongly believe that they are NOT obliged to stay together, nor should they. The opposition argued that it's selfish to get divorced, and if you have a child, you must invest more in the child's well being than your own. I agree that as a parent, your child is more important than yourself- and I think any good parent would agree. HOWEVER, I think that in the case where the kid's parents are unhappily married, it is in the child's best interest to get a divorce! This seems really obvious to me, but I learned that it's not obvious nor widely agreed upon by intelligent, educated young people. I think, especially from friends with divorced parents growing up, that it's better for a child to have happily divorced parents than to have unhappily married parents. Yes, it's difficult for kids to grow up having two families, spending the holidays with a different parent every year and so on, but I think it's A LOT more difficult for a kid to grow up in a home where the parents don't get along and don't love each other. Maybe they learn "normal" and "correct" gender roles, namely that a "normal" family has a mom and a dad living together, but they certainly don't learn the "right" things about love and happiness. I personally think it's a lot more important for a child to learn the value and importance of love and domestic happiness even if it means learning that from step-parents than for the child to be trapped in an unloving home but where the mother and father still live together.
We all agreed that you shouldn't marry someone or have a child with someone unless you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. But life isn't always that easy and straightforward. And it IS possible for good people to fall out of love. Sad to think, I know, but we see it happen. I certainly hope that I marry and have children with someone I love and continue to love for the rest of my life, but if I don't, I will consider separation/ divorce for myself but even more for the kid(s)! Because I think that's the right thing to do. Do I value happiness more than gender roles? I don't really think that's the question, but perhaps I do. I admit, I do think happiness and love are pretty damn important. Maybe this is because my family has a history of depression and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on happiness, but that aside, I really believe that everything ties into happiness-- success, fortune, good parenting, health.
And life's not fair-- maybe the kid growing up with divorced parents will have a tougher childhood than the kid with happily married parents, but I think he'll have a MUCH easier childhood than the kid with unhappily married parents. And in the end, having to deal with difficult issues during childhood isn't necessarily a bad thing, just like it isn't necessarily a bad thing as an adult. If life were always easy it would be boring. And there's a lot more to learn from tough times. Anyway, this is a topic for another day.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
getting better all the time
haha how cliche are all the beatles lyrics? Anyway, i cant help it when i see the title of my blog on the top of the page as I consider what to title a post about how work/life don't actually suck as much as they did when I wrote that last post. And then why am I justifying myself, anyway? Bizarre.
So anyway, this is gonna be quick but i wanted to let those of you who are worrying about me know that things don't actually suck that much. Work sucks a lot, but then it's all right most of the time too. I'll be honest, I am looking forward to shore duty, but considering that I have to do this, I suppose it's better that I have a really challenging job where I work hard than if I had an easy job, didn't learn anything, and got bored all the time. Not sure where I got the perspective, perhaps jus
t some reflection in the past few days, but it helps. Also I've managed to actually get a lot of work done lately. OH and i bought a car! I ended up getting the A4 (audi) that I drove just for kicks, but accidentally fell in love with. And since I work so much I dont really spend much money, I figured i could afford it. Plus I dont even have to be a success to get a raise next may, it's pretty much guaranteed. That's one nice thing about the navy. Anyway... it is "deep sea blue", manual, all wheel drive, sun roof, sweet sound system... pretty much all the extra shit that I dont need but that pretty much all the cars they get come with, so now that I'm over the fat check I had to write, I can't complain. And it is wonderfully fun to drive.
Finally, Theresa if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I am currently wearing these silver ballet flats that I bought for like $5 and that are ridiculously comfortable, and now every time i wear of them i think of you and all your shiny shoes I used to steal.
So anyway, this is gonna be quick but i wanted to let those of you who are worrying about me know that things don't actually suck that much. Work sucks a lot, but then it's all right most of the time too. I'll be honest, I am looking forward to shore duty, but considering that I have to do this, I suppose it's better that I have a really challenging job where I work hard than if I had an easy job, didn't learn anything, and got bored all the time. Not sure where I got the perspective, perhaps jus
t some reflection in the past few days, but it helps. Also I've managed to actually get a lot of work done lately. OH and i bought a car! I ended up getting the A4 (audi) that I drove just for kicks, but accidentally fell in love with. And since I work so much I dont really spend much money, I figured i could afford it. Plus I dont even have to be a success to get a raise next may, it's pretty much guaranteed. That's one nice thing about the navy. Anyway... it is "deep sea blue", manual, all wheel drive, sun roof, sweet sound system... pretty much all the extra shit that I dont need but that pretty much all the cars they get come with, so now that I'm over the fat check I had to write, I can't complain. And it is wonderfully fun to drive.Finally, Theresa if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I am currently wearing these silver ballet flats that I bought for like $5 and that are ridiculously comfortable, and now every time i wear of them i think of you and all your shiny shoes I used to steal.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
starting to hate my job
I'm stuck in a rut. And since I realized no one reads this anymore (since I am now averaging about one short, mediocre to boring post every month or so) I may as well just turn this into a public journal and write a bunch of crap in here. So here goes. I'm hoping that writing about all the stuff that sucks lately will help me pinpoint the problem and find some sort of solution. I'll try to do this in a semi-organized fashion. Perhaps numbering my thoughts will help...
1. Lately I've had a long list of stressful/painful things that I cant wait to be over. Like checking the crappy things off the list will minimize the level of crap I have to deal with. But this method puts way too much focus on the negative. For example, before last week, my list looked like this, and since the items dont really matter I'll use acronyms anyone reading this probably wont even understand anyway:
-ULTRA-S including: MSFD, TSSE, Shiphandler of the Year thing
-staying awake/ sleep deprivation
-DITS
-CICWO board
-car stuff
-IAC stuff
Now that last week is over, the first two items are crossed off (I finally got to catch up on sleep for the first time in about 3 weeks), but I still have all that other crap on the list, which is pretty much all work-related, because my job consumes my life. Well the car stuff isnt really work related, though I wouldnt have crashed my car at all if I hadnt been driving in to work at 6am on a sunday...
Anyway, it's like everything I think about is stressful work stuff that I have to deal with and worry about. Lately I havent really had anything to look forward to, or to enjoy. It's sort of an issue of living in the future instead of the present, but in a bad way... I have semi-fun plans for the next two weekends, but my looking forward to fun stuff is pretty much completely suffocated by all the bullshit which takes precedence.
2. I hate being the bad guy. I used to love work because I loved my division, and even though I didn't really always know what I was doing, the division was making strides in a positive direction, and I felt good about what I contributed to the division and to the department. It didnt matter whether I got my quals done or not (one of those things that is currently stressing me out), or how anything else at work was going, because my divo job is my first priority, and I used to feel good about that. Now I feel like the division's just getting worse, AND everyone is miserable, not just me. Yet instead of being able to make things better, I feel like I just make things worse by being the one person who is willing to yell at people and tell them to suck it up and do their job. It's more time consuming to always be on everyone's ass about getting stuff done, more stressful, and overall just not a very happy or fun thing to do, but someone has to do it. Now that I've been around for almost a year I'm starting to get my bearings, and I can't just play dumb anymore when shit is jacked up. I don't know how to fix it though. I tried by wiping the slate clean with my chiefs and putting my trust in them again a few weeks ago, and that worked for about a week, but now I feel like they still arent communicating with me. Honestly I really think communication is the problem. Rumors abound, and I dont think my word is good with anyone which REALLY bothers me because I have never lied to anyone in my division, and never would. I always thought my trustworthiness was one of my best features and lately it seems like no one trusts me either. Even though I try SO hard to trust everyone else, even after they let me down. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've turned into an unhappy, micromanaging yeller, which is not what I want to be.
3. I'm lonely. I miss having a personal life. Even when I do have time for a social life, it's with the same people I work with, since I really dont have much time to maintain friendships outside of work. I have the small group of college friends in Seattle who I hang out with occasionally but it feels like such an effort to keep up even just a few friendships! Since I only have time to be social like twice a month max. It is so nice to just be a normal human being and hang out with friends and go out and do normal people things, but it just makes work that much worse.
4. I don't really forsee myself beginning to like my job anytime soon. Even when I envision what it will be like in a different division (I am supposed to move to CA division and be the new ASWO- Anti-submarine Warfare Officer, though I don't really know when that's happening), and get all my quals done, and even going to another ship or to shore duty, I can't really picture being happy with any of that. Honestly I really have grown to like engineering and (most of) the people I work with, and I feel like moving me out of engineering is like forcing me to give up trying to overcome the issues we have in my division. Anyway, I know I'm only 22 and don't have to know what I want to do with my life, but it's pretty sad not even having some sort of job that sounds both fun and realistic to look forward to. I love the Navy in theory, and I love some of this stuff in reality (like driving a 9000 ton, billion dollar warship, and working with a family 0f 300 that actually do care about each other most of the time, and working with some interesting, cool people), but there is just so much bullshit that overrides the good stuff that it's hard to stay motivated. And I'm losing all my hope of making things better, since my division has only gotten worse since I've been here. It's depressing!
OK, I'm sorry for anyone who read this, because it was probably really boring and somewhat depressing. Don't let me get you down... I'll try to write another, happier post if I find some happiness sometime in the near future...
1. Lately I've had a long list of stressful/painful things that I cant wait to be over. Like checking the crappy things off the list will minimize the level of crap I have to deal with. But this method puts way too much focus on the negative. For example, before last week, my list looked like this, and since the items dont really matter I'll use acronyms anyone reading this probably wont even understand anyway:
-ULTRA-S including: MSFD, TSSE, Shiphandler of the Year thing
-staying awake/ sleep deprivation
-DITS
-CICWO board
-car stuff
-IAC stuff
Now that last week is over, the first two items are crossed off (I finally got to catch up on sleep for the first time in about 3 weeks), but I still have all that other crap on the list, which is pretty much all work-related, because my job consumes my life. Well the car stuff isnt really work related, though I wouldnt have crashed my car at all if I hadnt been driving in to work at 6am on a sunday...
Anyway, it's like everything I think about is stressful work stuff that I have to deal with and worry about. Lately I havent really had anything to look forward to, or to enjoy. It's sort of an issue of living in the future instead of the present, but in a bad way... I have semi-fun plans for the next two weekends, but my looking forward to fun stuff is pretty much completely suffocated by all the bullshit which takes precedence.
2. I hate being the bad guy. I used to love work because I loved my division, and even though I didn't really always know what I was doing, the division was making strides in a positive direction, and I felt good about what I contributed to the division and to the department. It didnt matter whether I got my quals done or not (one of those things that is currently stressing me out), or how anything else at work was going, because my divo job is my first priority, and I used to feel good about that. Now I feel like the division's just getting worse, AND everyone is miserable, not just me. Yet instead of being able to make things better, I feel like I just make things worse by being the one person who is willing to yell at people and tell them to suck it up and do their job. It's more time consuming to always be on everyone's ass about getting stuff done, more stressful, and overall just not a very happy or fun thing to do, but someone has to do it. Now that I've been around for almost a year I'm starting to get my bearings, and I can't just play dumb anymore when shit is jacked up. I don't know how to fix it though. I tried by wiping the slate clean with my chiefs and putting my trust in them again a few weeks ago, and that worked for about a week, but now I feel like they still arent communicating with me. Honestly I really think communication is the problem. Rumors abound, and I dont think my word is good with anyone which REALLY bothers me because I have never lied to anyone in my division, and never would. I always thought my trustworthiness was one of my best features and lately it seems like no one trusts me either. Even though I try SO hard to trust everyone else, even after they let me down. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've turned into an unhappy, micromanaging yeller, which is not what I want to be.
3. I'm lonely. I miss having a personal life. Even when I do have time for a social life, it's with the same people I work with, since I really dont have much time to maintain friendships outside of work. I have the small group of college friends in Seattle who I hang out with occasionally but it feels like such an effort to keep up even just a few friendships! Since I only have time to be social like twice a month max. It is so nice to just be a normal human being and hang out with friends and go out and do normal people things, but it just makes work that much worse.
4. I don't really forsee myself beginning to like my job anytime soon. Even when I envision what it will be like in a different division (I am supposed to move to CA division and be the new ASWO- Anti-submarine Warfare Officer, though I don't really know when that's happening), and get all my quals done, and even going to another ship or to shore duty, I can't really picture being happy with any of that. Honestly I really have grown to like engineering and (most of) the people I work with, and I feel like moving me out of engineering is like forcing me to give up trying to overcome the issues we have in my division. Anyway, I know I'm only 22 and don't have to know what I want to do with my life, but it's pretty sad not even having some sort of job that sounds both fun and realistic to look forward to. I love the Navy in theory, and I love some of this stuff in reality (like driving a 9000 ton, billion dollar warship, and working with a family 0f 300 that actually do care about each other most of the time, and working with some interesting, cool people), but there is just so much bullshit that overrides the good stuff that it's hard to stay motivated. And I'm losing all my hope of making things better, since my division has only gotten worse since I've been here. It's depressing!
OK, I'm sorry for anyone who read this, because it was probably really boring and somewhat depressing. Don't let me get you down... I'll try to write another, happier post if I find some happiness sometime in the near future...
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
bye bye Deb
I need some decision-making help. So after working all day saturday, i was on my way to work at about 6am sunday morning in the rain of course (because it is Seattle) when I hydroplaned and smashed Deb into the guard rail. For those of you who dont know, deb is my Subaru Forester (she is named Deb because it was a fittingly lesbian-sounding name for a lesbian car). And she's dead. She looked fine, and I thankfully am 100% fine myself, but she had a slashed tire on top of some knicks and scrapes so i got her towed to the shop the insurance company wanted me to use. Then I go in there on Monday, right, and they tell me the estimate is $6800! Which is ridiculous, since that includes replacing every panel on the car that has even the most minor scratch which is totally unnecessary. But anyway, my only other option besides calling it totalled and taking the $5500 or so that the insurance company is going to give me is to pay the salvage cost and then fix it myself. Which I'm thinking will take more time and effort than i can afford and ultimately wont be worth it. So, it is goodbye to Deb. But now i have no idea what to do! My initial response is get a similar used car, but the more i think about it the more I sort of want to get a new car. Less hassle, warranty, I'll already have the insurance money to spend toward buying it, and.. well yeah. But i have NO IDEA what kind of car i want. here's where you come in. I know a lot of you have probably recently bought cars being recent college grads and all so perhaps I can hijack some of your research results. I just looked at some more subarus today and sort of liked the new outback, but i have no idea if I might like a different car better. I always thought my next car would be a hybrid but I dont think i want one now for various reasons. What are good cars? Help, friends. So far I have been thinking everything from toyota to acura to bmw (haha cant hurt to dream out of my price range, right?) to saab. Really I have no clue.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
sleep
OK, I havent written in a long ass time so I thought I'd pick something random on my mind and start writing about it. Sorry if it's boring. I've come to the conclusion I'm a pretty boring blogger anyway so hopefully if you're reading this you already know that about me.
That being said, I'm starting to think I have a sleep disorder of some sort. So last week I was on vacation, came back monday night about about 12:30, and slept about five hours before work on Tuesday. I've been tired all week, and have averaged about 7 hours a night since then. I had duty yesterday, so I went to bed at TEN on friday night (this may help you understand my lack of a social life) and slept probably almost eight hours and i was still dead tired yesterday. Last night I got 5, then i had the rev watch (2:30 to 7:30am) and came home and slept from 9am to almost 3pm. Jesus. Any normal person would be a little tired after five hours of sleep followed by five hours of watch, but come on, 6 whole hours to catch up? That is unheard of. And this is normal for me. I wish I could stop, really. It would certainly be easier to create some sort of personal life if I did anything but sleep whenever I'm away from work, but, there's no time. I dont know how I survived in high school... I remember going to bed around 12 or 12:30 every night and getting up at or before 7... and surviving just fine. I guess I slept through a couple of my classes but I wasnt like unable to function or anything. Anyway I really dont know what my problem is, but I am about to give up. Now I WILL NOT start drinking Monsters, despite the popularity on my ship. That shit is nasty. I already drink coffee, anyway. Caffeine does help but it's no long term solution. The only solution I can come up with is more sleep. I'm considering more exercise, but that takes just as much if not more time than sleep, plus as it is I work out at least 4 or 5 days a week. Maybe I should eat healthier? Oh wait, that's not gonna happen as long as I'm assigned to a ship. If you've ever eaten on a navy ship you know what I mean, and if not, just imagine everything either deep fried or covered in butter and/or cheese or canned. Yum. The food isn't all bad, but it's just not good.
So I am open to any suggestions, but until then I'm just going to spend most of my free time sleeping, and most of my underway time (where I stand watch 1/3 of the time, in addition to my regular work) dead tired. Maybe this is why I shouldnt stay in the navy?
That being said, I'm starting to think I have a sleep disorder of some sort. So last week I was on vacation, came back monday night about about 12:30, and slept about five hours before work on Tuesday. I've been tired all week, and have averaged about 7 hours a night since then. I had duty yesterday, so I went to bed at TEN on friday night (this may help you understand my lack of a social life) and slept probably almost eight hours and i was still dead tired yesterday. Last night I got 5, then i had the rev watch (2:30 to 7:30am) and came home and slept from 9am to almost 3pm. Jesus. Any normal person would be a little tired after five hours of sleep followed by five hours of watch, but come on, 6 whole hours to catch up? That is unheard of. And this is normal for me. I wish I could stop, really. It would certainly be easier to create some sort of personal life if I did anything but sleep whenever I'm away from work, but, there's no time. I dont know how I survived in high school... I remember going to bed around 12 or 12:30 every night and getting up at or before 7... and surviving just fine. I guess I slept through a couple of my classes but I wasnt like unable to function or anything. Anyway I really dont know what my problem is, but I am about to give up. Now I WILL NOT start drinking Monsters, despite the popularity on my ship. That shit is nasty. I already drink coffee, anyway. Caffeine does help but it's no long term solution. The only solution I can come up with is more sleep. I'm considering more exercise, but that takes just as much if not more time than sleep, plus as it is I work out at least 4 or 5 days a week. Maybe I should eat healthier? Oh wait, that's not gonna happen as long as I'm assigned to a ship. If you've ever eaten on a navy ship you know what I mean, and if not, just imagine everything either deep fried or covered in butter and/or cheese or canned. Yum. The food isn't all bad, but it's just not good.
So I am open to any suggestions, but until then I'm just going to spend most of my free time sleeping, and most of my underway time (where I stand watch 1/3 of the time, in addition to my regular work) dead tired. Maybe this is why I shouldnt stay in the navy?
Sunday, May 6, 2007
honesty vs loyalty
This is a topic i've been thinking about a lot lately, and I apologize in advance that this post is going to end up being much more reflective than narrative so feel free to stop reading now if you're afraid of being bored.
So I remember several months ago having a conversation with a few friends about important qualities in significant others. I think the conversation started with one friend asking the rest of us to name the most important thing we look for in a guy/girl. I immediately responded honesty, because it's a quality that has been instilled in me as long as I can remember, and I tend to value (ok, judge) people by their honesty. Especially in a relationship, I think it's more important that anything else to be able to trust the other person, and I've always directly correlated that to their honesty. If someone always tells you the truth and the whole truth, you grow to trust them. I'm an especially trusting person, and recognizing that that makes it easier to be taken advantage of, it's important for me to validate my trust in a person by identifying them as an honest, trustworthy person. Well, I also remember another friend responding that loyalty is the most important quality in a relationship. At the time I disagreed, thinking if the person is honest, it would be easiest for the two people to work anything out. I thought honestly and loyalty went hand in hand. Lately though I've come to realize that they really don't always come as a pair, and I've started wondering whether loyalty is in fact more important.
To finish the example of a relationship, perhaps loyalty is even more linked to trust than honesty is. If your significant other always acts in support of you, always thinks of your well-being and always cares about you above all else... well that just sounds like a perfect relationship (assuming it's reciprocal). And I think I just defined loyalty... and I've realized that it doesn't follow that he/she must always be perfectly honest. I've never been of the mindset to think it's ok to hide the truth to "protect" someone, but I've opened up to the possibility that there may be some cases when it's ok to be somewhat dishonest to someone you love and care about. I can't think of an example (please feel free to provide one in your comment to this post), but I think one may exist. OK I guess I can think of one example, though thinking about it makes me realize that it does fall under the protecting someone pretense. So lately I've been somewhat dishonest to my mom-- I keep finding myself putting on a facade of happiness when I talk to her, because I don't want her to worry when I'm not perfectly content; she has enough to worry about. The more I think about this the more I realize I probably should just be honest with her, but it's easier said than done. And I'm digressing. The point is, loyalty can come without honesty, and honesty without loyalty (e.g. cheating on your husband but then confessing to him, or falling out of love and being honest about it) isn't nearly as good as loyalty without honesty. I think I've been converted. Ideally you'll have both, but you can't force yourself to think one way or the other... in fact, that is the hard thing about loyalty. You can't force yourself to be loyal to someone or something, it has to come (oh dear, there is no way to word this without sounding cheesy and cliche) from within. You can force yourself to be honest, and as long as I can remember, I've actively been honest with nearly everyone, because it was always ingrained in my head that that's the right thing to do. But that doesn't take away the need for loyalty, though it probably does make it easier to be loyal.
I also remember having to ask several people in my life for feedback about what they see as my strengths and weaknesses (for Tal Ben-Shahar's touchy-feely Psych of Leadership last year), and the only comment I was surprised by and even offended by was when one of my roommates and good friends named commitment as my shortcoming. She refered to my missing rugby practice and games for other activities, but mentioned she's seen it elsewhere-- and I realized that all throughout college I really didn't commit very well to any one activity. I did like a lot of things that I did, and I would get passionate about one thing and then the next, but I was never consistently passionate about one thing, be it my major, sports, other activities, and so on. I liked EPS and I always did my homework, I liked choir freshman year but quit when ROTC got in the way, loved rugby but missed it frequently for ROTC, and the one thing I couldn't get out of (ROTC) I wasn't very passionate about. It's a little depressing. The only thing that I was consistently loyal to throughout college was my friends... which I think is also the most important, but still.
Tying these two threads together, the honesty vs loyalty in a relationship debate and my personal lack of commitment, I'm starting to wonder whether I've leaned toward valuing honesty because, as I mentioned before, it's very easy to control being honest but you need to find passion before you can be fully loyal to someone or something. Again, this is a little depressing, and I really do have passion in my life, for friends/family, for the outdoors, for the ocean (hence the Navy), for sleep (haha), but I haven't always found it. I think I'm pretty passionate and loyal to the Navy, but I still question whether it's 100% legit or if I'm just convincing myself I love it.
Which brings me to my final point.. so I was talking to a friend yesterday about honesty and my guilty conscience and how it leads me to be brutally honest all of the time. He was of the mindset that sometimes you have to lie in order to get what you want, that there could be something you'd do anything for-- in the context of this post, he was on the loyalty side. I argued for the sake of argument, but I think I have to agree with him and my other friend from a few paragraphs before who voted loyalty the most important quality in a significant other. I hope I will never have to lie to succeed in life, but if there is a cause I truly believe in or a person I'm head over heels for and I need to lie to promote that cause or to stay loyal to that person, I'll probably do it. And in fact, I hope I find that much passion for someone or something at least once in my life.
So I remember several months ago having a conversation with a few friends about important qualities in significant others. I think the conversation started with one friend asking the rest of us to name the most important thing we look for in a guy/girl. I immediately responded honesty, because it's a quality that has been instilled in me as long as I can remember, and I tend to value (ok, judge) people by their honesty. Especially in a relationship, I think it's more important that anything else to be able to trust the other person, and I've always directly correlated that to their honesty. If someone always tells you the truth and the whole truth, you grow to trust them. I'm an especially trusting person, and recognizing that that makes it easier to be taken advantage of, it's important for me to validate my trust in a person by identifying them as an honest, trustworthy person. Well, I also remember another friend responding that loyalty is the most important quality in a relationship. At the time I disagreed, thinking if the person is honest, it would be easiest for the two people to work anything out. I thought honestly and loyalty went hand in hand. Lately though I've come to realize that they really don't always come as a pair, and I've started wondering whether loyalty is in fact more important.
To finish the example of a relationship, perhaps loyalty is even more linked to trust than honesty is. If your significant other always acts in support of you, always thinks of your well-being and always cares about you above all else... well that just sounds like a perfect relationship (assuming it's reciprocal). And I think I just defined loyalty... and I've realized that it doesn't follow that he/she must always be perfectly honest. I've never been of the mindset to think it's ok to hide the truth to "protect" someone, but I've opened up to the possibility that there may be some cases when it's ok to be somewhat dishonest to someone you love and care about. I can't think of an example (please feel free to provide one in your comment to this post), but I think one may exist. OK I guess I can think of one example, though thinking about it makes me realize that it does fall under the protecting someone pretense. So lately I've been somewhat dishonest to my mom-- I keep finding myself putting on a facade of happiness when I talk to her, because I don't want her to worry when I'm not perfectly content; she has enough to worry about. The more I think about this the more I realize I probably should just be honest with her, but it's easier said than done. And I'm digressing. The point is, loyalty can come without honesty, and honesty without loyalty (e.g. cheating on your husband but then confessing to him, or falling out of love and being honest about it) isn't nearly as good as loyalty without honesty. I think I've been converted. Ideally you'll have both, but you can't force yourself to think one way or the other... in fact, that is the hard thing about loyalty. You can't force yourself to be loyal to someone or something, it has to come (oh dear, there is no way to word this without sounding cheesy and cliche) from within. You can force yourself to be honest, and as long as I can remember, I've actively been honest with nearly everyone, because it was always ingrained in my head that that's the right thing to do. But that doesn't take away the need for loyalty, though it probably does make it easier to be loyal.
I also remember having to ask several people in my life for feedback about what they see as my strengths and weaknesses (for Tal Ben-Shahar's touchy-feely Psych of Leadership last year), and the only comment I was surprised by and even offended by was when one of my roommates and good friends named commitment as my shortcoming. She refered to my missing rugby practice and games for other activities, but mentioned she's seen it elsewhere-- and I realized that all throughout college I really didn't commit very well to any one activity. I did like a lot of things that I did, and I would get passionate about one thing and then the next, but I was never consistently passionate about one thing, be it my major, sports, other activities, and so on. I liked EPS and I always did my homework, I liked choir freshman year but quit when ROTC got in the way, loved rugby but missed it frequently for ROTC, and the one thing I couldn't get out of (ROTC) I wasn't very passionate about. It's a little depressing. The only thing that I was consistently loyal to throughout college was my friends... which I think is also the most important, but still.
Tying these two threads together, the honesty vs loyalty in a relationship debate and my personal lack of commitment, I'm starting to wonder whether I've leaned toward valuing honesty because, as I mentioned before, it's very easy to control being honest but you need to find passion before you can be fully loyal to someone or something. Again, this is a little depressing, and I really do have passion in my life, for friends/family, for the outdoors, for the ocean (hence the Navy), for sleep (haha), but I haven't always found it. I think I'm pretty passionate and loyal to the Navy, but I still question whether it's 100% legit or if I'm just convincing myself I love it.
Which brings me to my final point.. so I was talking to a friend yesterday about honesty and my guilty conscience and how it leads me to be brutally honest all of the time. He was of the mindset that sometimes you have to lie in order to get what you want, that there could be something you'd do anything for-- in the context of this post, he was on the loyalty side. I argued for the sake of argument, but I think I have to agree with him and my other friend from a few paragraphs before who voted loyalty the most important quality in a significant other. I hope I will never have to lie to succeed in life, but if there is a cause I truly believe in or a person I'm head over heels for and I need to lie to promote that cause or to stay loyal to that person, I'll probably do it. And in fact, I hope I find that much passion for someone or something at least once in my life.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Frat
The topic of the week has been fraternization in the Navy. I just got done with a week-long Division Officer Leadership course, which was awfully compressed considering the breadth of the information they tried to teach, and a few months late-- should be taught before divos report to their first ship. Not to mention the 13 LDOs (Limited Duty Officers-- got commissioned after making at least Chief Petty Officer in the enlisted ranks, and are restricted to officer billets in their field of expertise) and Warrant Officers for whom the course was not intended. Well, one of the topics that came up a few times during the course was fraternization, and as usual, we talked about the fine line and how to avoid crossing it, mainly by telling sea stories and analyzing case studies where someone did cross the line. I get it, and I think we all do. But all the talk did make me feel like I've been walking the line more than I used to think. I don't fraternize by definition, but just on the ship on a daily basis, I'm very friendly to everyone onboard, which usually comes out when say "what's up" instead of "Good morning, seaman shmuckatelli" and when, playing softball in our interdepartmental Captain's Cup, I call two petty officers pussies for being lame for something or another. Now I thought that was fine, and just friendly, but the pussy comment got me reprimanded by one Mark Fosdick (my fellow Ensign friend, who is pretty by-the-book about stuff like this though he tries to be a jerk most of the time as well) for being both "un-officer like and un-ladylike". OK, fair enough. But I am a sailor, so if that is how I can relate to these guys, then isn't it ok? As a female, I'm not offended when people use the word "pussy" to mean wimp or wuss, so can't I use it? Anyway, as I write this I realize this issue is more about professionalism vice fraternization so I'll get back on topic. And, for the record, I'm very professional when I have to be. (I just keep telling myself this and maybe it will come true!)
So, frat. Well, as I enjoyed my lunch at Hooters with all the guys from my Divo Leadership class on Friday afternoon, we got talking about military relationships. I mentioned that I didn't think I'd end up with someone in the military because I didn't want to be a military wife, missing my husband for months at a time. A couple of the guys joked that because I didn't want to marry a military man, I probably would. OK, fine, it's far enough in the future I'm really not too worried. Well one classmate, the one out of the whole class who I didn't really like, asks if I've been on a deployment yet (no) and says just wait, I am bound to hook up with someone from my ship on deployment. Now I don't really know how he meant this comment, but I certainly took it to mean he didn't think I would uphold Navy standards or my own personal values. Thanks a lot, jackass. Yes, if I weren't an officer in the Navy, I would probably find a lot of the guys I work with attractive and worth dating (and more of those are enlisted than officer simply because of the larger proportion of enlisted). But I'm pretty sure I'm a moral person who won't do that. And the fact that the Navy and my ship don't allow it will only help me live up to that. And for the record, I will do just fine without getting any for a 6 month deployment.
I have a friend on my ship who's prior enlisted and very friendly in the same way I am, where he is legitimately interested in his sailors' lives and thinks they're cool people. And he is the kind of junior officer who, when he runs into enlisted guys from the ship out in town, buys them a round and hangs out for a while instead of running in the opposite direction for fear they will be seen in the same bar. And just from this description, and from knowing this guy, it is easy to decide to be his type and not the latter type of JO. This weekend, I ended up hanging out with him and a couple of "E dawgs", and it did get sort of awkward. But we ended up at this bar with several newly-pinned SEALs, and I happened to run into a guy from ROTC who graduated Harvard a year before me. That was pretty cool. And it made me realize, hey, this is a group of officers and enlisted hanging out together and it's OK because we have a joint purpose to be here, since the SEALs are combined officer/enlisted. But, looking back, I think I should have turned and gone the other way with my other officer friends, even if that meant being lame and going back to the ship at like 11 o'clock. And that fine line in this case, I have realized, is that I'm a girl. And since the majority of enlisted sailors are male, whether or not I am hot as hell, if they see how cool I am (yes I'm being facetious) they will want to get in my pants. Particularly since I outrank them, and as we all know, "There is nothing on this earth sexier than a woman you have to salute." But... in the end it sucks, because it means just because I'm a female, I can't get away with being a little bit social with enlisted guys when my male counterparts can.
So, frat. Well, as I enjoyed my lunch at Hooters with all the guys from my Divo Leadership class on Friday afternoon, we got talking about military relationships. I mentioned that I didn't think I'd end up with someone in the military because I didn't want to be a military wife, missing my husband for months at a time. A couple of the guys joked that because I didn't want to marry a military man, I probably would. OK, fine, it's far enough in the future I'm really not too worried. Well one classmate, the one out of the whole class who I didn't really like, asks if I've been on a deployment yet (no) and says just wait, I am bound to hook up with someone from my ship on deployment. Now I don't really know how he meant this comment, but I certainly took it to mean he didn't think I would uphold Navy standards or my own personal values. Thanks a lot, jackass. Yes, if I weren't an officer in the Navy, I would probably find a lot of the guys I work with attractive and worth dating (and more of those are enlisted than officer simply because of the larger proportion of enlisted). But I'm pretty sure I'm a moral person who won't do that. And the fact that the Navy and my ship don't allow it will only help me live up to that. And for the record, I will do just fine without getting any for a 6 month deployment.
I have a friend on my ship who's prior enlisted and very friendly in the same way I am, where he is legitimately interested in his sailors' lives and thinks they're cool people. And he is the kind of junior officer who, when he runs into enlisted guys from the ship out in town, buys them a round and hangs out for a while instead of running in the opposite direction for fear they will be seen in the same bar. And just from this description, and from knowing this guy, it is easy to decide to be his type and not the latter type of JO. This weekend, I ended up hanging out with him and a couple of "E dawgs", and it did get sort of awkward. But we ended up at this bar with several newly-pinned SEALs, and I happened to run into a guy from ROTC who graduated Harvard a year before me. That was pretty cool. And it made me realize, hey, this is a group of officers and enlisted hanging out together and it's OK because we have a joint purpose to be here, since the SEALs are combined officer/enlisted. But, looking back, I think I should have turned and gone the other way with my other officer friends, even if that meant being lame and going back to the ship at like 11 o'clock. And that fine line in this case, I have realized, is that I'm a girl. And since the majority of enlisted sailors are male, whether or not I am hot as hell, if they see how cool I am (yes I'm being facetious) they will want to get in my pants. Particularly since I outrank them, and as we all know, "There is nothing on this earth sexier than a woman you have to salute." But... in the end it sucks, because it means just because I'm a female, I can't get away with being a little bit social with enlisted guys when my male counterparts can.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
A Short Story
It is way past my bedtime so I'll be brief. Just wanted to let you all out there (all two of you) know that I went to my first strip club last night. Becky-- if you want to be lenient, this post could have something to do with my boobs. I did get a lap dance and I think I was a good sport, letting my guy friends buy it for me and pretending to enjoy it for them. But later in the night my friend Mark tells me that my stripper friend Kristen (though her stripper name is Ariel which is her middle name) told him I was a very boring customer. What do they expect?! Anyway, it was pretty fun though most of that may have been due to the alcohol. And the fact that I could probably blackmail my friends with some stories. Haha no it wasnt that bad but, well there was one guy who may have gotten a little too into it. And they all spent a shit ton of money on lap dances and sticking ones into girls' lingerie. Hmm what else... aside from last night's festivities I've been all Navy Navy Navy. I actually had a pretty fun time underway this past week... I really do love it. I dont like the not sleeping, or the not sleeping enough, and the people that are difficult to work with, and the equipment that breaks, and all that shit, but you have that with any job right? However, the warfighting stuff is pretty hot. You know, driving a billion dollar destroyer... it's just hot. We did a bunch of exercises this underway, to get back into the swing of things, and one of them included an anti-submarine warfare exercise where we had to maneuver for torpedo evasion and I was conning (ie driving)-- basically we drive in zigzags until the torpedo gets confused and shuts down or goes the wrong way. It's awesome. At points it felt like the ship might topple over on its side but obviously it wasnt anywhere close to doing so.
Now I really need to go to bed. I'll write again soon. If you're lucky it'll be about my boobs and the Navy again.
Now I really need to go to bed. I'll write again soon. If you're lucky it'll be about my boobs and the Navy again.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday night duty
Gotta love working all night friday night. Actually that isn't entirely sarcastic-- Friday duty does mean you'll have the next four weekends off entirely (on a six-day rotation). I digress. But shit, I dont even have a topic from which to digress. So let the free-association begin.
What a stressful week. But if I write about how stressful work has been, it will bore you all to tears, so I suppose I should find a new topic. Wow, I just thought of about five new subjects and they all had to do with work or the ship or people on the ship. Conclusion: I have no personal life. I guess I came to that conclusion long ago though.
Well.. an interesting case that came up recently may actually interest some of you. So I'm taking over as the ship's next CMEO-- Command Managed Equal Opportunity-- officer sometime in the next month or so. And yesterday we got together all the females on board for a "female meeting" which of course all the guys joked about, but it was what you'd expect-- sexual harassment, discrimination type stuff. It was actually really good. We started out with an NCIS agent telling stories and talking about the resources she offers. Then "Doc", our senior corpsman onboard (female), talked about sexual assault and how to present oneself confidently and consistently to avoid bad situations. Finally I talked about CMEO stuff and defined discrimination (versus how Ops always jokingly describes himself as an "equal opportunity fucker" where guys, girls, blacks, whites, etc are all treated equally poorly). Then we opened up the floor and Doc and I moderated what turned into a very good conversation between the 30 or so females we had at the meeting. But a couple of issues of interest did come up.
1. How do you deal with a situation that has been "addressed" before, but a group of people still feels they are being discriminated against? I heard stories, but it is hard to piece together solid evidence from what seems like a pile of heresay. However, it does seem pretty legit when I hear it from 5 or 6 different individuals. And it sounds like no one really listened the first time they complained, at least not with an open mind. If there's one thing I'm good at it is listening and empathizing. I am always inclined to believe someone until I have reason not to. But, I don't really have any evidence to make a case for discrimination to the XO, CO, etc. So what do I do? My plan now is to collect more stories and try to get people to tell them as straightforward and fact-filled as possible. Then work it out on my own and present a story up the chain of command. I'm not sure this will lead to a solution though. Any suggestions?
2. Second issue is simpler and I think more common. One female reported sexual harassment, and said she had reported it but it had never been fully resolved. I was planning to investigate (ie talk to her) but I soon heard from a trustworthy source that in fact she had been encouraging the behavior from the guy. Now, this follows the same line as "rape" where the slightly tipsy whore begs the guy for sex and later says he raped her. But in the case of sex, no matter the situation we draw the line at sober consent. However, for talking/touching/acting without sexual contact, I think it is equally up to the girl to draw the line before the guy crosses it. If she encourages that kind of behavior, it is as much (if not more) her fault than his-- she can't later claim sexual harassment for something she has instigated. The more women abuse the privelege of calling out guys on sexual harassment/ sexual assault by placing labels on situations where it is THEIR responsibilty for him acting that way, the worse our reputation as women.
My god, I sound like a full-fledged feminist. Not sure how I feel about that but I guess it depends on your definition of feminism. Eh, I think at my wise old age of 22 I've grown out of labels anyway.
What a stressful week. But if I write about how stressful work has been, it will bore you all to tears, so I suppose I should find a new topic. Wow, I just thought of about five new subjects and they all had to do with work or the ship or people on the ship. Conclusion: I have no personal life. I guess I came to that conclusion long ago though.
Well.. an interesting case that came up recently may actually interest some of you. So I'm taking over as the ship's next CMEO-- Command Managed Equal Opportunity-- officer sometime in the next month or so. And yesterday we got together all the females on board for a "female meeting" which of course all the guys joked about, but it was what you'd expect-- sexual harassment, discrimination type stuff. It was actually really good. We started out with an NCIS agent telling stories and talking about the resources she offers. Then "Doc", our senior corpsman onboard (female), talked about sexual assault and how to present oneself confidently and consistently to avoid bad situations. Finally I talked about CMEO stuff and defined discrimination (versus how Ops always jokingly describes himself as an "equal opportunity fucker" where guys, girls, blacks, whites, etc are all treated equally poorly). Then we opened up the floor and Doc and I moderated what turned into a very good conversation between the 30 or so females we had at the meeting. But a couple of issues of interest did come up.
1. How do you deal with a situation that has been "addressed" before, but a group of people still feels they are being discriminated against? I heard stories, but it is hard to piece together solid evidence from what seems like a pile of heresay. However, it does seem pretty legit when I hear it from 5 or 6 different individuals. And it sounds like no one really listened the first time they complained, at least not with an open mind. If there's one thing I'm good at it is listening and empathizing. I am always inclined to believe someone until I have reason not to. But, I don't really have any evidence to make a case for discrimination to the XO, CO, etc. So what do I do? My plan now is to collect more stories and try to get people to tell them as straightforward and fact-filled as possible. Then work it out on my own and present a story up the chain of command. I'm not sure this will lead to a solution though. Any suggestions?
2. Second issue is simpler and I think more common. One female reported sexual harassment, and said she had reported it but it had never been fully resolved. I was planning to investigate (ie talk to her) but I soon heard from a trustworthy source that in fact she had been encouraging the behavior from the guy. Now, this follows the same line as "rape" where the slightly tipsy whore begs the guy for sex and later says he raped her. But in the case of sex, no matter the situation we draw the line at sober consent. However, for talking/touching/acting without sexual contact, I think it is equally up to the girl to draw the line before the guy crosses it. If she encourages that kind of behavior, it is as much (if not more) her fault than his-- she can't later claim sexual harassment for something she has instigated. The more women abuse the privelege of calling out guys on sexual harassment/ sexual assault by placing labels on situations where it is THEIR responsibilty for him acting that way, the worse our reputation as women.
My god, I sound like a full-fledged feminist. Not sure how I feel about that but I guess it depends on your definition of feminism. Eh, I think at my wise old age of 22 I've grown out of labels anyway.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My First Entry
I have really spent all my mental energy coming up with a title for this blog, so now I have nothing to write, and will probably delete this post later, when I have other real posts that are more interesting to read. In the meantime, hope you enjoyed these few sentences.
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